#1
JULI
Turdato: 01.07.2018
Natt nr: 1
Prosjektuke nr: 1
Sommeren kom etter sju uker med regn. Med juli kom den, på en søndag.
Jeg var klar. Vi var klare – Allak og jeg. På mange måter hadde det vært fint om Allak var en hund; jeg tenker at jeg burde ha en hund og den kunne gjerne hete Allak. Men jeg begynner med et telt. Det er rødt og romslig og vakkert og utfører oppgaven sin som telt på hundre prosent upåklagelig vis. Hilleberg kan sine saker – det sa internett, og det viser seg å være sant. Som et hjerte ligger Allak der og tar en imot, og under en ligger Grøtfjorden og flotter seg, og alt er eksakt slik det skal være.
Bortsett fra alt som ikke er det.

Allak og Middagsfjellet.
For livet er selvfølgelig fullt av ting som ikke er som de skal. Jobben er for mye eller buksa er for liten og tida er for kort eller ferien er for lang, kontoen er for tom og hodet er for fullt og om natta våkner du av bombenedslag og frosne spurver, fluktruter og døde telefonlinjer. Av og til drømmer du at du flyr, men det er noen andre som sitter i cockpiten og du vet aldri om landingen kommer til å gå bra og utenfor vinduet følger en kullsvart ravn deg med store, avmålte vingeslag, som om den vet noe du aldri kommer til å få vite.
” Jeg tar med alt jeg ikke vet til fjellet. Jeg pakker Allak og kaffe og gassbrenner og bikini og dunpose og Real Turmat, jeg tar med alt som ikke er gjort og alt som ikke er sagt og sekken blir akkurat så tung som den blir når man ikke bestreber seg på å spare på grammene.”
Jeg tar med alt jeg ikke vet til fjellet. Jeg pakker Allak og kaffe og gassbrenner og bikini og dunpose og Real Turmat, jeg tar med alt som ikke er gjort og alt som ikke er sagt og sekken blir akkurat så tung som den blir når man ikke bestreber seg på å spare på grammene. Stoltrekket til liggeunderlaget blir med og lommelerka med whisky blir med og Tove Janssons Den ærlige bedrageren blir med; jeg vil opp i høyden og jeg vil være glad. Jordbær med fløte og pølse med alt. Det tar en evighet å pakke alle tingene, jeg somler og drikker kaffe i sola og tenker på alt jeg hadde bestemt meg for å ikke tenke på, og når jeg endelig sitter i bilen kjenner jeg et ja spre seg i kroppen mens ipoden helt uventet spiller av noen gamle lydopptak fra den tida eksamenslesinga alltid lå som et lokk over helgene og man drakk øl i parken og festet om nettene og levde sorgløst fra skippertak til skippertak. Og en usynlig tråd går gjennom årene og alt forandrer seg og alt er det samme, og over havet glitrer sommeren.
Starten på turen er bratt. Jeg later som det ikke er noe problem å bære sekken oppover. Folk som er på tur ned er blide og hyggelige og spør om jeg skal telte der oppe, om jeg har husket nok vann, om jeg har vært der før. Jeg svarer ja på alt, jeg er takknemlig for at vi kan dele på verden, møtes sånn tilfeldig, være menneske og menneske på en sti i en sommer, snakke om vær og fjerne land og utsikten fra toppen, gå videre, ned eller opp og riktig god tur da. Jeg må stoppe og feste jakken på sekken og oppe på den første haugen ser jeg at veien opp til teltplassen jeg har tenkt meg er minst fire ganger så lang som jeg husket. Og sola skinner uten blygsel og lufta er varm og utsikten er vidunderlig, og så kommer en flokk med reinsdyr oppover stien.
Stien er god å gå på. Strødd over fjellryggen ligger små vannpytter av himmel og oppe ved foten av Middagsfjellet åpenbarer teltplassen seg akkurat slik jeg husket den fra den gangen jeg var her uten telt og uten planer om å bli.




Himmelspeil
Nå skal jeg bli. Teltet er splitter nytt og jeg vet jeg er en dust som ikke har sjekka at alt er på plass i posen, men dagen er snill og kvelden er mild og Allak er like komplett som opplevelsen av fred når man sitter der i lyngen. Kveldssola står midt i mot ute i evigheten der Grøtfjorden blir til horisont, og jeg lurer på hvor man havner om tar en båt og går den rett frem helt til man støter på et annet land. Hva er bakenfor, bortenfor? Lengter vi alltid dit?
Jeg er lat og mekker kjøttsuppe som er frysetørret a long long time ago, jeg ser bittesmå folk komme nedover og oppover fjellet der oppe, hører rester av stemmer og suset fra havet der nede og litt lenger borte i fjellsida det konstante trallalaet fra ei elv som faller ned fra kanten av en stein. Og jeg tenker at jeg ikke lengter noensteder, at dette er her jeg er. At så heldig kan man være. At Grønland, Grønland, Alaska og havet. Og så videre. At alt verden er, det er den, men akkurat her er midten, akkurat nå.
Å gå opp til toppen eller å bare slappe av i leiren, det er spørsmålet. Først gjør jeg lenge det siste, og etter noen timer gjør jeg det første, litt uten å egentlig ha bestemt meg for det. Jeg tenker at jeg bare kan gå et lite stykke og se litt på verden. Drikker smeltevann, ser på blomster jeg ikke vet hva heter og oppdager at jeg er et én-kvinnes skyggeteater mellom kveldssola og deler av loddrett fjellvegg. Stilig. Og himmelen speiler seg og fjellet er taust som fjell og høyden drar meg stadig oppover, som om toppen var en magnet, som om alt vil åpenbare seg bare man kommer høyt nok.




Overalt er det smeltevann, gammel mose, snill sol. Gjørme, stein, stillhet. Det er snart midnatt og alle turgåerne har gått hjem. Nå er det bare meg og fjellet, og Allak ligger langt der nede og er et rødt lite punkt av trygghet, en ørliten flekk av noe hjemlig i landskapet som blir mektigere og mektigere jo høyere jeg kommer. Og det er da jeg husker det: Hvorfor jeg elsker fjellet. Dette er det, dette er det som gjør fjellet magisk og meg selv så rolig: Det finnes ikke noe tvil her oppe. Bare stein, lyng, jord, himmel. Det finnes ingen krav, ingen spørsmål. Og hvis det finnes lyd så er det vind, eller vann, eller den svake, klirrende lyden fra låsen til postkassa som står der helt for seg selv i nattevinden oppe på toppen, lenge etter at alle menneskene har gått ned.
” Og det er da jeg husker det: Hvorfor jeg elsker fjellet. Dette er det, dette er det som gjør fjellet magisk og meg selv så rolig: Det finnes ikke noe tvil her oppe. Bare stein, lyng, jord, himmel. ”
Midnattssola står høyt utenfor Vengsøya og Musvær i nord.
Toppen er en drøm, et godt sted å være våken mitt på natta, den akkurat slik man ønsker seg en drøm og antakelig er det slik at alt er mulig.
Men på veien ned oppdager jeg at jeg fremdeles ikke er noe annet enn et menneske, at jeg har et hode fullt av tanker, at det er vanskelig å slippe unna seg selv og alt man kan finne på å bekymre seg for. Her er jo bare meg og Middagsfjellet. Ingen å prate om siste episode av A Handmaid’s Tale med, ingen som kan distrahere meg med monologer om ferieturer og kattevideoer og problemer som ikke er mine egne. Det er lettere å gå nedover, men det er likevel som om alt er tyngre, jeg tenker for mye og glemmer for lite, noe vemodig tar over enda sola står der ute i nord og følger meg nedover, enda alt er magisk og forgyllet, enda Allak ligger og venter, enda smeltevannet, enda fullkommenheten, enda alt som glitrer og er for vakkert til å rommes av et språk. Hva skal jeg gjøre med alt jeg ikke forstår, alt jeg ikke vet, alt jeg sannsynligvis aldri får vite?

Midnattssola over Vengsøy og Musvær.
God tur da!
Jeg tenker og jeg ser utover Grøtfjorden og jeg sover i teltet og når jeg våkner er verden full av tåke. Jeg lager kaffe og drikker kaffen med teltveggen åpen og ser tåka bølge inn over teltplassen og trekke seg tilbake, om igjen og om igjen, som om den vil innynde seg hos storhavsdønningene eller ikke kan bestemme seg for om den skal stikke eller bli. Når den endelig stikker lager jeg frokost og tar underlaget med stoltrekk på ut av teltet og så sitter jeg der i sola som nå står rett i sør, og jeg skal ingenting. Jeg spør fjellet hva jeg skal gjøre med alt jeg ikke har svar på og fjellet ligger der og er fjell. Vet noe jeg ikke vet, noe om hvordan man ikke trenger å spørre, noe om hvordan spørsmål er uten betydning og uten vekt, som en krattskog langt unna der noen har gått seg vill.
Fjellet spør ikke, fjellet går seg ikke vill, fjellet baler ikke med forstand og forvirring og den desperate søken etter mening, fjellet bare ligger der og er fjell og stein og mose og smeltevann og råtten snø fra i fjor; på toppen blåser det og svaret ligger strødd utover i alle himmelretninger: øyer, hav, sandstrender, fjelltopper, fred, en uendelighet av godhet rammet inn av klodens krumming.
Men jeg er ikke et fjell, sier jeg. Det er lett for deg som er fjell å ikke behøve spørre. Det er lett for deg som ikke er menneske å ikke måtte bale med menneskelige tanker. Middagsfjellet sier ingenting.
Og på et eller annet vis som jeg ikke fullt ut forstår er det akkurat det jeg trenger å høre.
Og resten av dagen leser jeg Tove Jansson og ser på de små menneskene oppe i skaret som går opp eller ned og ønsker hverandre god tur mens sola fortsetter på sin sirkelferd rundt dette nåværende sentrum av verden og det er tusen ting jeg aldri kommer til å vite.

Hvor lenge varer dager som denne? Til kanten av livet? Så lenge du vil? Kanskje enda lenger enn hukommelsen. Kan dager være som klær? Jeg henger denne i skapet og tar den på meg en sur mandag i november.




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